Listening to the rain on the windows. Feet in snuggly lambskin slippers. Sipping nettle tea. Tapping away on my laptop... All fairly usual for my life over the last, gosh, 10 or so years now, but something is very different. I now have a warm little being breathing softly on my chest with a hand placed on my skin just below my new necklace (a gift from my husband): a bear with the letters MAMA cut out.
Guy Thomas Schwabacher started his life on earth at midday on August 23rd, and so I began my new life as a mother.
It's been ________, which is to say, it's been everything. Choose a word and drop it in and it will probably fit. But mostly, it's been sweet in an earthy way. Not sweet like a cookie, or even a good hug, where it feels delicious but fleeting or where you have hopes to find something similar again. The ever-changing quality of life with an infant is so incredibly in your face, that this moment will never ever exist again. He/she is growing and changing so rapidly that to think you could try to recreate the experience to prolong the pleasure is laughable. I think it's the way reality thrusts you into being present with a baby that makes it that much more a treasure, that makes the experience of the moment feel everlasting.
Motherhood thus far is richly satisfying in the way that only something that's also mind-bendingly challenging can be. I often think about how my Shadow Yoga practice prepared me for this role, not necessarily because it’s difficult but because I’ve grown more familiar and comfortable with the crucible of transformation. Yes, the flames may burn, but what grows from the ash is what's right for my growth in that moment in time and space.
So this is this something new. And I continue to navigate the waters of my previous life as well. I am ALMOST finished with my masters in Chinese medicine and plan to start another new “life” as a Chinese medicine practitioner sometime next year. The beast of the California Acupuncture Licensing Exam waits for me in April, so from one crucible into the next I go.
As school and motherhood are all consuming, I am not seeing clients or teaching yoga presently. I miss them both very much though. More than maybe I would have even guessed. I look forward to resuming both in the not so far future.
I have hopes to write a few posts about preparing for Guy’s creation, pregnancy, and labor, but time will tell. If you have any particular wondering around these topics, let me know and I’ll see if they fit in the mix.
In the meantime, please enjoy this introduction to the soul & smile I get to mother...